Health stinks

So fistulagram time again. I just had one in September and just like the last few times, I dreaded it becasue the last few times have been quite painful. And the hospital staff doesn't seem to care much that it's painful. So I started out the day at 6:45 am at Gonda 2. Stop there, it was weird that they were having me at Gonda because I'm always at St. Marys, but like the very first time I had it, it was at Gonda, so anyway, I got called back about 7 am and Jessica was my nurse, very nice girl probably about mid 20s. After I had gotten in my gown and was laying there, they had the curtain partly open and I noticed Lindsey and Beth from dialysis there. They had a guy (Kevin) come in and start the IV which he did right away. He did a great job. Later after all the usual questions, an anesthesiologist came in and I explained about getting better drugs like I did when I had the bone marrow aspiration (Non had written it done for me) and he said it would be no problem. Emmanuel was one of the guys that explained everything about the drugs and said they would give me an additional drug-propofol would help make me more sleepy. A Dr. Sharp came in and had me sign a consent form and explained all the risks and everything. Then after awile Beth came in and said she would be the one administering the drug and that she would take care of me. So Emmanuel comes to take me back to the room and we get just about there and Dr. Sharp stops him and says to take me back to the prep room because "we're working out kinks and we may not do it today." So pretty much everyone was confused, but they took me back to the room and Dr. McPhail came to talk to me about how he looked at the ultrasounds and how my fistulagram is very narrow closer to my heart and how if they did it here (Gonda) and something happened they just don't have the equipment to handle it safely. He mentioned several times about how they couldn't SAFELY do it at Gonda and how he had talked to Dr. Albright. He said that most likely they would have to put in a stint. I got really upset at that and asked why they couldn't just balloon it open and wait. And he said because it wouldn't last very long. I asked if they could still try to do it at St. Marys because I already had the IV in and he said absolutely that he would make some calls and try to get me in today. When he left the room, I started crying even more, almost sobbing because to me a stint is permanent and I thought it would make it worse. Jessica asked if I wanted Dr. Albright to come talk to me or if she could get him on the phone and I said yeah, so she paged him and I talked to him for a little bit and he tried to explain that the stint would help keep it open longer and would be better in the long run, then Dr. McPhail talked to him a little and explained he didn't stay for sure that I would have to have a stint. Then Dr. McPhail told me they could shuttle me over to St. Marys and get me at some point today. He was very nice and explained everything very well to me. Emmanuel came in and said that they would take care of me at St. Marys....boy was he wrong! :(
So I wait for the shuttle and  take it to St. Marys and go up to Joseph 6 and when I check in, it's Renee VanNurden (Joel's mom) and that was the nicest person there. I get checked in and change into my gown and then get taken back to the room and get hooked up. Then the nurse explains that it will probably be about an hour or more because they have to work me in and I'm not assigned to a room yet. So I'm watching TV and fall asleep and get woke up by an anestheologist? and I explained to him about getting the propofol and it seemed like he was ok with it. Then about 15 min later, a nurse came up and said she was looking over my file and that I've had about 20 of these(which isn't true) and that they were going to proceed with the regular RN med push and I said no and explained AGAIN about how painful it's been and about what they told me at Gonda and she kindof argued with me about well did it hurt all the other times and I said yes at least the last 4 times it did and I felt like I just kept repeating myself, so she went away (I think her name was Mazy, something like that) then another lady showed up and said basically the same thing AGAIN about me having 20 procedures (again, not possible) and why I needed it this time and I explained about the pain and the Gonda people again and I said I really feel like I'm not being heard. Her name was Andrea and she was an anestheologist and had me do all the normal stuff so that I could go through with this drug and explained all the possible risks and stuff that it would probably sting. Then some dr. came by and didn't really talk to me was talking to the other people and then went away. Then Andrea came back and took me to the OR. The guy in there said hello and that was it. I mentioned to Andrea that I'm claustrophobic and asked if she could give me some drugs beforehand and she said that she would give them to me as soon as they got me settled in. She asked about putting a oxygen mask on me and I said it was ok and a couple minutes after that I woke up in back in the original room and I had some guy named Terry who had the worst bedside manner. He said he had to take some stitches out and I had to stay for about a half hour for observation. He took the stitches out and asked me if I wanted anything and I said just ice and he brought it and gave me two spoonfuls and then left. After that I started crying because I just wanted to go home because there was no caring from these people. He came in and wiped my face with a paper towel. Andrea came in for a couple minutes because I had broken blood vessels around my right eye. She said to Terry my nose was somewhat bloody and that I was itching my face during the procedure and squirming because I was in pain. (The good thing is I don't remember any of that) When they brought me back I squeezed Andrea's hand and thanked her because she gave me the drugs. After she talked to Terry though, she didn't say anything to me. After Terry wiped my eyes, I said I just wanted to go home and he said ok, took my IV out and took me out to the lockers. I got dressed, then waited for Mrs. B, when she came I broke down crying again. How can you have such nice people at one place and such unkind people at the next??

Relatives and Dad's a pill

So John, Lesa & Garrett came in this weekend, so Friday morning, we went over to their house around 10 am (apparently they'd already been there a couple hours) and they were playing a movie trivia game that Tab & Hannah put together. After awhile we went up and played spoons which was pretty crazy but really fun, breaking a few spoons in the process!(plastic) Then there was a lot of randomness going on here and there and I went down a reprimanded everyone because I was mad they didn't want to play spoons anymore. Then I came down later and started beating people with my shoe, not sure why and Hannah took my shoe away and was trying to get me and that's when Dad came down and and squashed everything. Later on he said we all had to go on a walk and it was freezing!!!! When we came back, Dad's like if there's a bunch of noise, we'll be doing it again. I said haha Dad you're funny (not) Then later Tab & I were downstairs and she asked me (by typing on her phone) if I wanted to go get some candy with her, the dip  n sticks. So we ran out to the car real quick before anyone noticed. We went to the mall and went the candy emporium store then went down to auntie annes but it was too busy and they didn't have any pretzels made, then we went into Hallmark and looked at the ornaments and that's when Lydia called and she was mad because we didn't invite her then on our way home, lesa called and was like why didn't you invite me. I said we're coming home and she's like we're leaving to get some candy! When we turned on our street, they were coming down the street, so I said we should follow them. I called mom when we were behind them and asked where they were going and she said to get some coffee. So we followed them to Target then went in and Lydia and I went off and Tab called and Joe was looking for us then we all went to the entrance because Joe & Lydia wanted to go with them and they started running out the door and I yelled watch for cars and just as Joe ran behind this car, it started backing up so Tab went over to their car and said Mom you need to watch him, he doesn't listen. Then we went back home and I forgot I was supposed to get Jason a pop so I asked if anyone wanted to go and I kept asking Garrett then I finally said you know if you go with me, you can get a Monster!!! Then immediately he was like let's go! Lydia went with too and I got her some whoppers and Mom some pixie sticks. Then we came back home and played some more games and wrestled some more.


Uranus (uterus)---Uncle John
altitude and attitude

A Day with Mom

Day with Mom today. Every 4th weekend she has to work so she gets the following Monday off and during the summer, I would go over to their house, but since the kids are in school now, so she came and picked me up and we went to Jimmy Johns over by their house. We went in and sat down and she said there's a lot of people and I was looking around and thinking, hmm, there's only 2 other people in here~ :) She meant behind the counter, but it was funny! :) Then we went by their house to get stamps, then went to the bank and they bank at WellsFargo now and we went in the drive up and she said theres a person on there. I didn't see it because the teller wasn't talking, but when the teller starts talking the camera shows who you're talking to, again funny, because it was like Mom was hearing/seeing things again! Anyway, then we went to the mall because Mom had a coupon for for Coldwater Creek, which is a very expensive store!!! She ended up getting a scarf and 2 long sleeve shirts and after the $25 coupon it was still $65! Then we walked around and went in Forever 21 and I showed her the stuff that Hannah liked, then we went to Bath and Body Works and I got a couple candles, then we went to Sams Club. There was a lady at Sams with twin boys and another boy. It was funny because the twins were putting each other in a headlock and laughing at each other! :) Then when we got to the checkout, mom noticed the mom had dropped her jacket so she went to pick it up for her, but I didn't realize that, so I'm standing there at the checkout and realize Mom is nowhere to be found!!! She just laughed when she came back. She's like didn't you know, you're paying for it?! :) Then we came back to our place and played a couple games of Zip and a couple games of No Speed Limit. Oh and we had to go to the church to get Dad's computer cord that he left during SS. Then after we played some games, I asked her to change my nose piercing for me. She actually did a great job. I love days with my mom! :)

Family Time

9.1.12
So let's see, it's been pretty good lately with Dad, I haven't really come home feeling like I'm the scum of the earth and Dad thinks that too. Anyway, last Sat. I picked up Bekah and we went looking for a shower curtain that had owls on it to seperate her area downstairs.We went to BB&B first, but they didn't really have much of anything fun, so then we went to Shopko and found a cute one and we picked up some candy for everybody. We went by the theater to get Dad his gift card, but it wasn't open yet, so went back home, but then we realized we didn't have rings to put up the curtain, so we were going to go to Walmart and I asked if Mom & Dad needed anything and Mom said they needed dishwashing detergent and Dad said Mom needed towels, so I was asking about colors and Hannah kept freaking out about pink towels and how she wanted sky blue but darker but not navy!! Anyway, so Bekah & I went to Walmart and got the rings and then sent a pic of some blue towels to Hannah and she picked the one she wanted. So we got 7 of them then went home and put up the curtain. Mom asked me how much I owed her and I said 2 cents and she said what a bargain ,then I said you owe me a whole day with me! Then I said I don't need money, I need love!!! :) I was supposed to help Dad with organizing stuff, but he wasn't quite ready, he was cleaning out the little storage room and getting stuff to get rid of, so I asked him if he wanted me to come back the next day and help and he said to call him. We went to Menards to get some boards, Joe came with, then we went to HyVee to get some meat and drinks for the cookout at the Bensons that night. We came back home and Dad started cutting the boards, but then he stopped so we could go to Bensons.

9.2.12
I called him the next day and he said to come over. I emptied out the school stuff from the bottom of the pantry and organized all of it. It took quite awhile, they could open a small office supply store with all their stuff! Dad had to go get some more boards because he cut them wrong. I got all the stuff organized and put on the new shelves, then we had a bonfire that night and lit a bunch of sparklers. It was a lot of fun! :)

9.9.12
Today we had a potluck after church and we brought Lydia & Bekah home and asked if Joe could come over and watch the Vikings game and when I brought him back home I would pick up him, Lydia & Bekah for the SS Worker's Meeting, so he said that would work. So Jason & Joe watched the game with lots of yelling :) then they walked to Cherry Berry, then came back and watched a little more then I took Joe home and I sat downstairs and watched some LOTR with a few of them. Then I took them to the meeting and on the way home, Dad was picking (not in a bad way) about my driving or things going on on the car!! And Bekah said you know you're driving's not that great either Dad! :) And earlier Bekah was showing her homework flashcards to Dad and he was saying something about math flashcards and she was like I don't do math flashcards Dad, nobody does, except you! And Mom was like you're not gonna get anywhere saying that! :)And when we were at the meeting and talking to Bekah, she answered us and stuck her boobs out! It was funny.

More Sister Bonding

So Monday, Mom had the day off so I went over to their house and all of us except Bekah & Dad went to Taco Bell for lunch then went to Hobby Lobby to pick out a frame for dad to put a picture in that I of course wasn't in. *sigh* Then we came back to the house and played some badminton.





Sunday was Dad's birthday, so we went to Carlos O Kelly's for lunch, then went to Byron to mini golf(it was me & Dad in the end and I won!!!)  I had some really crazy shots that I probably couldn't do again! And Elizabeth got a hole in one. Then we went to Dairy Queen and got dad's ice cream cake, then took it home and had some. Then we played some badminton, although Lydia was being a butt and didn't want to play.But then Brady came over and she started playing, little stinker, then everyone went in except me and I was just sitting there thinkin, then Bekah came out with some popcorn and we played another game then I said we should go inside because the bugs were out, so we sat at the table and ate some popcorn. I tried talking to Lydia about how I didn't understand about everyone being so upset about her being gone, but she didn't really understand, so I basically dropped it. Then Lydia went to the bathroom, so Bekah & I ran downstairs and went in her area to hid from her. Lydia came down and called Bekah's name and we just sat there quietly and then just as Lydia was about to leave, Bekah sniffed, haha, so Lydia knew we were in there. Then we chased each other around, sat on each other, beat on each other a bit, we were having fun and Eliz was yelling at us to be quiet because she wanted to sleep, but it was only like 9, so we just told her she'd have to get used to it and she stormed out. Then I was writing with Bekah's Sharpie pack and I told Bekah to write something on me, so she wrote I <3 U then Lydia (the turd) wrote "My poop is brown" Lydia, then she wrote "bellybutton" on the back of my calf, then she wrote eye boogers on the top of my foot, then I told her to fix it and she put "I love" in front of it. I wrote boobs on Bekah's toes and Bekah wrote Brooke and pink on my other leg. We had so much fun just hanging out in Bekah's area. I love my sisters :)

Sister Bonding

Today was so fun with Hannah, Bekah, Lydia & Elizabeth. Hannah moved her stuff over to where Tab's stuff was and Elizabeth moved her stuff downstairs. Eliz had a ton of stuff so it took most of the day. Rebekah helped her put her clothes away all in the right places, altogether, I was so proud of how she was putting them together, but they started by putting the underwear away, which apprently means you have to roll them! That was so funny to watch. Oh and when mom was going through the clothes and she kept pulling things out and saying oh this is cute and I said you know Eliz isn't going to want it if you say it's cute, so mom was like oh this is manly. Haha, Eliz kept saying I don't need anymore clothes!!! Eliz and I went through the stuff in her room and threw stuff away and boxed up a bunch of stuff to give away. We were upstairs going through her stuff and Lydia and Bekah started pantsing her and she pulled Bekah's pants down a little far and was like oh there's hair and Bekah's like ya, I don't shave down there and I was like some people do and they get it waxed and Lydia was like ewww and Jason was like I don't wanna know what body part you're talking about. Then later on Eliz was looking at a picture on the fridge and was like I have a booboo on my forehead and I said well you need to get some booboos up there! I love my sisters so much and it was such a fun bonding day with them

And yesterday (8-24), I went over and hung out and we played some games, then I took Bekah to her bday party (Lydia & Eliz came with) then I brought them home and went home to eat then went back and we played some badminton, then later went and picked up Bekah :)

Infusion Hell start

Ok, so for the update on these stupid infusions. On Monday (July 23), they decided that they would call the IV team from now on, because they do this ALL the time and deal with hard veins and all that, anyway, they called the team and 30 later, still no one had showed up, so Paula, who I've had before decided to take a look and then said she was going to get Melinda, who is "very good and if I say she's good, she's good!" Anway, Melinda ended up going in the anicube (which is the bend of my arm) and it hurt like hell!!! And 3 days later, it was still hurting. When she did it, she's like, well it's in the vein, apparentely it doesn't matter if it hurts, as long as it's in the vein!!! So Wed, I felt like crap about the last 1/2 hr of dialysis. I started feeling really flu like, crappy, aches, fever all that fun stuff. Thankfully I had Marie, Dawn and Jamie who all actually care about me and Dr. Albright came over and wanted to do a blood culture because I felt so bad. I went home and spent the rest of the day in bed, but around 4, Lydia had said she wanted to do something, so I dragged myself out of bed and went and picked her up. I asked her why she didn't ask Brady and she said if she would have asked him, he would have told Mary who would have told Martha and that would be too many people, which I told her it wouldn't, but then Bekah wouldn't have a way to get to church because I was taking Lydia to church. When we were leaving I asked Bekah why she wasn't coming and she said because she wasn't invited and so I said do you want to come, which I think Lydia got a little upset about, but she got over it. We went to Taco Bell because Lydia had a gift card and then we went to the mall to Vanity. Then I took them to church. We played kickball and me, Lydia and Brady were on the same team and we were terrible!! But it was fun, but a hot and sweaty! Anyway, the next day I had another infusion and when she (Michelle Ring) took me into the room, I asked if they had called the IV team because it was supposed to be on my orders and she said no, it's not on here. She seemed kindof pissy because it seemed like she didn't really get to do anything because we had to wait for the IV team and when the guy came (Chad) he knew right away where he was going to go and he did a great job. Apparently he used a really tiny needle and Michelle had no idea what size it was and Paula was sitting there and Michelle was like what size needle is this? And Paula responded, but kindof in a you should know this kind of way, it's a 24.

Infusion Hell

So Thursday (July 19) was infusion day and after a bad stick, they decided they were going call the IV team. Alex, from the IV team got it in, but it was painful, so anyway, Cindy decided she would just put on the orders to call the IV team for me. On Monday, I got in there and they had called the IV team, but 1/2 hr later, they still hadn't showed up, so Paula was there and she said she would take a look, then get Melinda because "she's really good and if I say she's good, she's good" Well she got it in , but she used the anicube (the bend of my arm) and it hurt like hell and she was like well we're in the vein, so apperently it didn't matter if it hurt!! On Thursday (July 26), I got there and had Michelle Ring and I asked her if they had called the IV team because it was supposed to be on the orders and she said it wasn't on there and she seemed huffy because she couldn't just get me done, she had to wait for the team. Chad, from the IV team came and knew right away where he was going to go and it didn't hurt. Apparently he used a really small needle and Michelle asked Paula what size it was because she had never seen one that small and Paula responded kindof in a you should know what size it is, 24. Then Michelle said to Nom "She said that calling the IV team was supposed to be on the orders, but it's not." and Nom pointed it right out to her. She wasn't nice or friendly at all.
Wednesday (July 25), I had a pretty bad day. The last 1/2 hr of dialysis, I felt like I had the flu, achy, fever, just really bad. Thankfully, I had Marie, Dawn & Jamie and they took really good care of me. Also Dr. Albright came over and said he was going to do some blood cultures to make sure I was alright. I went home and spent the rest of the afternoon in bed. Around 4, Lydia wanted to go hang out, so I went to pick her up. I didn't think she was going to be able to hang out because when she asked Dad, he said we'll see, which almost always means no, but apperently he was at work, so it was up to Mom :) I went to pick her up and when I was leaving, I asked Bekah why she wasn't going and she said she wasn't invited and I asked her to come which I think maybe Lydia was a little upset about to begin with, but she got over it! I asked her why Brady didn't come and she said because he would have told Mary and she would have told Martha and then Bekah wouldn't have had any way to get to church since I was taking her. Anyway, we went to Taco Bell, then to Vanity. Lydia didn't have quite enough on her gift card, so I helped her out and got Bekah some earrings :) Then we took off to church and played some kickball. Lydia, Brady & I were on a team, a very losing team! :) But it was fun and hot and sweaty! We had Bible study, but I mainly texted people during it, probably bad, but I have trouble paying attention! :) Thursday, went over to Mom & Dad's around 5 to give them a bag of goodies for their trip. Dad was a pill as usual. There was a cake on the table and I said (jokingly) oh you made me a cake! and Dad was like NO! and I said Dad it was a joke, obviously you didn't make me a cake. What is his problem?? Seriously, is it just because I was born?? Get over it already!

and the beat goes on!

Ok so so many things going on lately. I guess I'll start with the new Pastor. I thought things were ok, but then days went by and he really started getting on my nerves :( First off, with as much as I love animals, the way he talked about animals just turned me off, but then he was like, I like dogs, I just think they should be outside (well that's dumb), then we were talking about the coffee at church and he said I don't drink Folgers and I was like oh you're a coffee snob and he's like yep. Then a couple days later, he was talking to Adam and they were talking about coffee and I mentioned that he didn't drink Folgers and he was like no it's fine, I drink it. LIE!!!! And he's very, very touchy feely. That's gonna have to stop it.I don't know there's just something about him that's really bugging me. And he's always telling me everyone's life stories. Probably things that people don't want other people to know. Ok, 2nd thing, there was a funeral today for Emma Tonak, Jake & Rachel's 2 month old. I never met her because she was born in KY and to be honest, we've never been close friends and that brings me to my first emotion of the day. What friends do I have that would come to my aid no matter what. Those 3 families are thicker than blood. I do know that Christina would have my back no matter what, but who else is there? Jake had an amazing speech and that took a lot of God power behind that being the dad. It was an amazing message of God's love. I had a hard time with any emotions, sad emotions because, well I think it's because I don't have any kids. I don't have that connection. What I'm struggling with is WHY?? Why would God allow the Tonaks to miscarriage, allow them to have another baby, then take that baby away after only 2 months?? No one is going to understand that this side of Heaven. One of my favorite things that Jake said was those who have Chirst have HOPE and how sad for those who have NO HOPE. We can't even fathom what's to come. More later on these stupid infusions!!!

Loooong Weekend

*SIGH* This has been an extremely long weekend. Thursday night (5-24-2012) I went over to mom & dad's because I was bored. Tab & Mom were working on her collages and Tab was VERY ornery. And I got really upset because Tab only had one picture of me, her big sister, the only big sister she has. It sounds idiotic, but I've talked to Tab so many times about how I don't feel apart of the family and then she did this. I was so upset and she didn't get it at all. I talked to her about it on Friday and it really didn't seem like she listened to me because she said that Dad had told her that once you get married you don't need to be around your family much at all.Then she said she needed to go to the bathroom and I think it was just an excuse to get out of the conversation. I told her I loved her no matter, because I do but I was extremely upset. That night was graduation and since Jesse was there, she didn't really care who else was there. it was better than some other times, but she still needs to realize that it's not all about him.

Saturday, I took Lydia and Rebekah with me to get stuff for grad gifts. We were in Shopko and Bekah tripped me, but I thought it was Lydia and I smacked her then blamed her for tripping me and she got really mad, I tried talking to her, but she was really mad, then she started crying, my sweet sister who is so free spirited and doesnt seem bothered by anything, was CRYING. That broke my heart and made me feel like a complete heel. I apologized so many times and she told me saying sorry doesn't mean anything if there aren't actions behind it. Finally at the end of the day, she told me it wasn't that I smacked her (which is what she originally told me), but that I had blamed her for something that she didn't do.

Sunday, was the open house for Tab & Mary. Tab was ornery because she wanted everything this way or that way and getting mad if it was not put in a certain place that was better than where she had it. I guess it got better throughout the day. But I snapped at Lydia at the beginning of the day because I was stressed about not having my memory card. I apologized to her later and she seemed ok. Jason had to go home early because Murphy (turner) was screeching. Came home after visiting Cindy Turner's open house and about 10 min later, Tab called saying I had to get over now because she was going to open gifts. She didn't seem that impressed with any of her gifts, even the money. Her & Jesse were going to another open house and I guess that was more important. She really just seems to be all about herself lately (well I'm not around her all that much) and it really pisses me off because she didn't get to where she's at by herself, she had help, from church family, friends. 

Monday-Heather's open house, we were walking up to the Snead's house and a little van with Jesse, Tab, Hannah, Bekah & Lydia were all leaving because they were tired of being there. They'd only been there an hour and a half, kinda dumb they were already leaving, but whatever. I had a fun time visiting with everybody, especially the dogs. I always enjoy hanging out with Christina and I talked some to the Schaefferites :) I like hanging out and talking to everybody, it keeps me from being bored at home.

LONG WEEKEND and so many emotions, many, many emotions.

Graduation

So Tab's graduation is 1 day away and I'm not ready for it! I don't know that theres a lot to say about it, but everything is changing and I don't like change. She's graduating, then college, then getting married all within a year. I love Tab very much. I think being the first sibling, we bonded more than maybe the others. All of this is just really depressing me. I have a hard time with Mick and Jesse because I feel like I have to work harder to be a part of the family and it's like all I can think about lately is everything I'm doing wrong and why can't I just be a part of the family. Why is that so hard?

Anniversary

So we celebrated our 8th anniversary. I had dialysis, so Jason took me to that and when he & Daisy came to pick me, he took me home and there were rose petals leading to the a present sitting on the stool in the living room. It was a birthday gift bag, but it had a bunch of safari animals on it including a rhino, which is why he bought it! :) It was the Diamond Edition of The Lion King on BluRay :) He first just wanted me to have something to open :) I had put together a little container of "hot" stuff (Twizzlers, Hot Tamales, Spicy Doritoes, Terryaki Jerky,Red Hots, Big Red & Smokehouse almonds) Then we sat and played some Oregon Trail on his Kindle, then went out shopping for running shoes (got some at Sports Authority) they were sale for 1/2 off and I got 25% off too for signing up for their rewards program :) Then we went to Famous Footwear and Kohls just to look at different shoes. Then I suggested we go to Target and I looked at some clothes and I got a couple shirts and a tank. We decided to see what movies were playing. We went to The Hunger Games because it was playing in like 20 min. There was only 1 other person in the theater.  Then we came home and got changed and picked up Daisy and went to play tennis. On our way home from tennis,I looked in the backseat and noticed blood on the backseat so I had Jason pull over and looked at Daisy's feet, which apparently places on each of her back feet were bleeding. She had ripped a toenail down to the quick on one foot and the other foot had pulled the nail way out. I had to bandage up both her back feet, poor baby! We changed our clothes again and went to Red Lobster for dinner. It was a really good anniversary. Jason told me that he felt he hadn't been a good husband and really wanted to do better that he hadn't treated me very well. It meant a lot that he said that.

I realized I didn't write anything about Jason's bday. I put together a party for him at the park by my parent's house. Molly made the cake and they were the first ones there and they went over to the playground and they really didn't come over and visit with people. We had about 30 people and after most everybody had eaten, we got a bunch of people together and played some kickball. It was a lot of fun. The best part is I prayed and prayed for the rain to hold off and it did! :)

Surgery again

So tomorrow is another surgery. Not major, BUT it's a fistualgram and anytime they're messin with the veins, especially the ones connected to the heart, there's always a chance that something could go wrong. Now I never really usually worry about it, really any surgeries, but the more I have, the more I kindof have that small bit of worry. If something happens to me, what will Jason do? I don't want him to be alone and I don't want Daisy to be alone :( But I have to wonder, would my parents even care. Always in the back of mind (ok, the front) I wonder if Dad would be happier without me around. It's like he just doesen't want me around, but I don't think I'll ever understand why. I love my siblings to death and everything I do around is in their best interest. I would never, ever do anything that would harm them or cause them to do wrong. I don't know if he thinks I'm going to be a bad example, but if we look back at my life, I'm happily married, I've been through everything healthwise, I volunteer with animals, I volunteer at the church and I help out almost anytime I'm asked. I realize I am anything but perfect, but I shouldn't be considered a bad example. I love my siblings SO much. I love that I have so many. I just wished Dad would consider me one of the family. It's like now that I'm older and out of the house, I don't matter and I don't count as part of the family and that's bogus. You don't get cut off just because you don't live at home.  I love being around them and doing stuff with them. It's so much fun and I wish I wasn't blacklisted.Soooo frustrating and stresses me out so much and all the time. I don't think my parents realize how much stress this puts on me. Don't shut me out. I haven't done anything wrong. I love my family.

so tired

I don't want to be melodramatic, but I'm so tired of life. I'm tired of dialysis and EVERYTHING that goes with it. (the swelling, the way my arm looks, the fluid restrictions, the phosphorous restrictions, the feeling tired ALL The time) All this time is passing me by and nothing is happening. What's the point of being on the list? Is a kidney ever going to come?  I'm not doing anything. I spend MWF for 3 1/2 hours at dialysis, then the rest of the day either sleeping or watching TV. Tues and Thurs, I get up even though I want to keep sleeping, go to work when really I just want to be sleeping. All the time I'm doing other things all I can think about is sleeping, but what a waste of time it is :( I don't think I'm a good enough wife because I'm too tired/lazy to be one. To cook, to clean. I feel like I'm a waste of space. I think about how life would be if I was like George Bailey and hadn't been born. And I know the person that would be most affected by that would be Jason and I love him probably even more than I know. He keeps me sane, calms me down, lets me cry and yell! It was all God that put us together, that's the only explanation because we are the most opposite people I know. Two that could have never gotten together, but we are and we work. Through good and so many bads, we work because God put us together. And maybe that's what I've forgotten. But sometimes I don't know where God is because I don't understand why I have to through. There's the saying that God won't give you more than you can handle. I think God is given me too much credit. I hate to be that person, but WHY ME? I'm so very tired. Tired of it all.