Surgery again

So tomorrow is another surgery. Not major, BUT it's a fistualgram and anytime they're messin with the veins, especially the ones connected to the heart, there's always a chance that something could go wrong. Now I never really usually worry about it, really any surgeries, but the more I have, the more I kindof have that small bit of worry. If something happens to me, what will Jason do? I don't want him to be alone and I don't want Daisy to be alone :( But I have to wonder, would my parents even care. Always in the back of mind (ok, the front) I wonder if Dad would be happier without me around. It's like he just doesen't want me around, but I don't think I'll ever understand why. I love my siblings to death and everything I do around is in their best interest. I would never, ever do anything that would harm them or cause them to do wrong. I don't know if he thinks I'm going to be a bad example, but if we look back at my life, I'm happily married, I've been through everything healthwise, I volunteer with animals, I volunteer at the church and I help out almost anytime I'm asked. I realize I am anything but perfect, but I shouldn't be considered a bad example. I love my siblings SO much. I love that I have so many. I just wished Dad would consider me one of the family. It's like now that I'm older and out of the house, I don't matter and I don't count as part of the family and that's bogus. You don't get cut off just because you don't live at home.  I love being around them and doing stuff with them. It's so much fun and I wish I wasn't blacklisted.Soooo frustrating and stresses me out so much and all the time. I don't think my parents realize how much stress this puts on me. Don't shut me out. I haven't done anything wrong. I love my family.

so tired

I don't want to be melodramatic, but I'm so tired of life. I'm tired of dialysis and EVERYTHING that goes with it. (the swelling, the way my arm looks, the fluid restrictions, the phosphorous restrictions, the feeling tired ALL The time) All this time is passing me by and nothing is happening. What's the point of being on the list? Is a kidney ever going to come?  I'm not doing anything. I spend MWF for 3 1/2 hours at dialysis, then the rest of the day either sleeping or watching TV. Tues and Thurs, I get up even though I want to keep sleeping, go to work when really I just want to be sleeping. All the time I'm doing other things all I can think about is sleeping, but what a waste of time it is :( I don't think I'm a good enough wife because I'm too tired/lazy to be one. To cook, to clean. I feel like I'm a waste of space. I think about how life would be if I was like George Bailey and hadn't been born. And I know the person that would be most affected by that would be Jason and I love him probably even more than I know. He keeps me sane, calms me down, lets me cry and yell! It was all God that put us together, that's the only explanation because we are the most opposite people I know. Two that could have never gotten together, but we are and we work. Through good and so many bads, we work because God put us together. And maybe that's what I've forgotten. But sometimes I don't know where God is because I don't understand why I have to through. There's the saying that God won't give you more than you can handle. I think God is given me too much credit. I hate to be that person, but WHY ME? I'm so very tired. Tired of it all.